Weddings

Tachanun When A Chosson Is Present

1. The chosson does not recite tachanun during the seven festive days. Any minyan where the chosson is present does not recite tachanun. (Shulchan Aruch 131:4 and Mishnah Berurah)

2. If the chosson left the synagogue before tachanun the poskim disagree as to whether tachanun is recited. (Ishei Yisroel page 268)

3. If the chosson is not in the Synagogue but the kallah is in the women’s section, tachanun is still recited. (Yaskil Avdi 7 Hashmatos 3 and Shevet Halevi 5:12)

4. The Maharsham (Daas Torah 131:4) writes that even if the chosson is not praying with the minyan, his mere presence warrants the omission of tachanun. However, the Aishal Avraham of Botchetch writes that if the chosson is in the Synagogue but is not praying with the minyan, tachanun should be recited. It is preferable, however, for him to avoid this question by leaving before tachanun. This is also the view of Rav Ovadia Hadaya zt”l. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l says that if the chosson enters a synagogue not intending to stay long and he happens to be present when the congregation is about to pray tachanun, then tachanun should be recited. If, however, the chosson intends to stay in the synagogue, even if he is not praying with the minyan, tachanun is omitted. (Shalmei Simcha page 139)

5. If there is a “break away minyan” outside of the main synagogue and there is a chosson praying in the main synagogue, the poskim discuss whether tachanun is recited in the “break away minyan.” They conclude that if the “break away minyan” has its own aron kodesh and bima, it is then considered it’s own synagogue and they would recite tachanun. If, however it does not have an aron kodesh and bima, it is considered an extension of the main synagogue and this minyan is also freed from the obligation to recite tachanun. (See Shulchan Haezer vol. 2 page 119)

6. The Taz writes that it is better for the chosson to pray on his own this week, then to pray with a minyan because his attendance will cause the omission of tachanun. The Sefer Toras Chaim strongly questions this ruling. He cites many poskim who say that if the chosson steps out of the Synagogue before tachanun, then the tzibbur does not omit tachanun. Therefore, argues the Toras Chaim, the chosson can attend the minyan and just step out before the tachanun prayer is recited. This way he will be able to pray with a minyan. (We have seen that it is indeed an argument among the poskim whether tachanun is recited if the chosson left the synagogue (Halacha 2) before tachanun. Perhaps this is the area of contention between the Toras Chaim and the Taz.) The Sefer Shulchan Haezer rules in accordance with the Taz. He adds that the chosson should preferably gather a minyan together in his home.

Performing Mitzvos Through The Use of Telephones and Microphones

1. The poskim discuss whether one may answer Amen to a blessing that is said using a microphone and whether one may fulfill any mitzvos, such as havdalah and megillah, using a microphone or telephone. This debate is extremely relevant at weddings, since in most cases the rabbi uses a microphone when reciting the brachos under the chuppah.

2. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l (Minchas Shlomo 1:9) writes that one may not fulfill any obligations through the use of microphones, telephones, radios or hearing aids. Both the telephone and the public address system “transform” sound waves in air, e.g., spoken words, into an electrical current within the instrument, and, ultimately, back into sound waves. The sound that people hear was not the actual sound waves created by the speaker. This disconnect, between the speaker and the audience, prevents the listener from fulfilling any mitzvos through this medium.

3. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l explains that when one hears a blessing over the microphone, from a hallachic perspective, one has not actually heard the blessing because there is a separation between the speaker and the listener. Rather, one is merely aware that a blessing is being recited. This is very similar to the synagogue in Alexandria (see Gemara Succah 51b), where most people did not hear the blessings being recited because of its vast size, but were nevertheless permitted to answer amen when signaled to do so by the waving of a flag. Therefore, concludes Harav Auerbach zt”l, one may only respond Amen to blessings that he is not obligated to hear, as was the case in Alexandria, but one may not respond Amen to blessings that one must hear, such as havdalah. He adds, that it is only permitted to respond amen if one is in the same room as the person who is reciting the blessing. If one hears a blessing over the telephone, one may not respond amen.

4. According to Harav Shlomo Zalman one should not recite the blessings using a microphone. If one did, then the assembly may respond Amen. Indeed, the Beis Din Tzedek of Yerushalayim signed a petition against the usage of microphones under the chuppah.(See Koveitz Ohr Yisroel 13)

5. The Chazon Ish (cited in Minchas Shlomo) questioned the view of Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l. He feels that because the person is creating the sound wave and it is heard immediately, perhaps one can fulfill his mitzvah by listening to the microphone or telephone. Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l (Igros Moshe O.C. 2:108, O.C. 4:91:4) likewise argued that one may fulfill mitzvos using these devices. He adds that every time someone hears havdalah he does not hear the person’s voice in his ears, rather, the speaker causes sound waves which travel from the speaker’s mouth to the ear of the listener. Since one always fulfills mitzvos by hearing sound waves created by the speaker, it may not make a difference whether one hears the original waves or waves that were temporarily converted into electrical currents. As long as one hears sounds that originated from an adult jewish male (without a time delay), one can fulfill his mitzvos. Harav Moshe concludes that in case of necessity one may fulfill mitzvos through listening to a microphone. A similar view is expressed by the Tzitz Eliezer (8:11). [It should be noted that using these machines for the shofar on Rosh Hashana is far more complicated and not part of this discussion]

6. According to Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l one may respond amen to blessings recited using a microphone.

7. Harav Ovadia Yosef zt”l (Yechava Daas 4:54) rules that one may not fulfill mitzvos through the use of telephones and microphones. However, if one is standing close enough to the one who is speaking that he would have been able to hear him without the microphone, then he may fulfill his obligation. This is true even if he also hears the sound of the microphone and the sound is louder and more amplified. Those who are sitting far away and would not be able to hear him if not for the microphone, may not fulfill their obligations.

8. The common custom is to use a microphone when reciting the blessings under the chuppah. For normative halacha, a rabbi should be consulted.

Dancing At A Wedding

1.It is a mitzvah to dance before the chosson and kallah. (Shulchan Aruch 65)

2. The Shulchan Aruch (E.H. 23:6) rules that one must be careful when riding any animal to sit on a saddle. Sitting on an animal without a saddle can cause potential problems in the laws of tznius (modesty). Harav Chaim Palag’i (Ruach Chaim O.C. 669:8) therefore rules that a chosson should not be put on someone’s shoulders at his wedding. The Tzitz Eliezer (vol. 12 page 192) cites the view of Harav Chaim Palag’i as normative halacha. Harav Shmuel Wosner shlit”a (Shevet Halevi 6:103:2, 6:229) also prohibits placing the chosson on someone’s shoulders. Accordingly, the chosson would be lifted up on a chair.

עיין בדרושי חתונה מהאדמו”ר האמצעי מחב”ד דף קמ”ו שכתב: וכל עיקר המצוה להגביה ולנשאות החו”כ בהילוך רוב עם ואנשים חשובים יושבים אצל החתן

There were poskim who did rule leniently and allowed a chosson to be carried on someone’s shoulders. They explain that since the chosson is scared to fall there is no concern of inappropriate thoughts (see Az Nidberu 13:59 and Shalmei Simcha page 319). Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l and Harav Ovadia Yosef zt”l feel that while there may be basis to rule leniently, it is preferred to act strictly. The Steipler Gaon zt”l also rules that it is best to be avoided. (see Shalmei Simcha ibid., Machaneh L’Chaim 10:25, and Orchos Rabbeinu vol. 1 page 224)

3. Mixed dancing at weddings is forbidden. As the Aruch Hashulchan writes, “Mixed dancing is one of the gravest sins.” It does not matter whether the men and woman are holding hands when they dance or if they are dancing together without physical contact.

הגאון רבי משה פיינשטין זצ”ל בשו”ת אגרות משה אה”ע ח”ב ס’ י”ג כתב: “הנה בדבר ריקודים בתערובות אנשים ונשים הוא דבר פשוט שאסור אף עצם הדבר, ולהרמב”ם פכ”א מאיב ה”א הוא לאו מדאורייתא שלוקין עליו, לבד איסורים אחרים הבאים מזה שעובד על ונשמרת מכל דבר רע שהוא האיסור על הרהור בנשים כדאיתא בכתובות דף מ”ו, והרבה פעמים גם על איסור הוצאת זרע לבטלה”. כמו כן מצאתי בבן איש חי פרשת שופטים שכתב שאפילו ריקוד נשים לבדן אסור לפני האנשים מחמת שיתגרה היצר הרע באנשים הרואים אותן. וראה בשו”ת מנחת יצחק ח”ה ס’ צ”ט שכתב דהוי אביזריעא דג”ע דבכלל יהרג ועל יעבור, וראה עוד בערוך השלחן ס’ תקכ”ט ס”ק ז’ שכתב דריקודי תערובות הן מעונות הגדולים ועונשים גדול גדול מאוד. וא”צ להאריך בזה. ועיין בספר ילקוט יוסף דף קצ”ה שכתב דחתן שחלק מבני משפחתו חילוניים, וחושש שירקדו ריקודים מעורבים, עליו לצוות לתזמורת שאם יתחילו בריקודים מעורבים יפסיק מיד את התזמורת. וראוי לכל חברי החתן שירקדו ביתר שאת וביתר עוז כדי למנוע ריקודים מעורבים.
הנה ע”פ הנ”ל מבואר שאסור לרקוד עם הנשים אף כשאינו נוגע להן, עוד יש לציין שהריקודין מעורבים אסורים גם משום הפריצות הכרוכות אשר אלו הרוקדים בתערובות אי אפשר להמלט מהן. גם אזכיר שבשו”ת אגרות משה או”ח ח”ד ס’ ל”ה כתוב דלרקוד אף עם פנויות טהורות הוא דבר אסור, וראה שם שא”א להתיר הנ”ל מאיזה טעם שיהיה. וכן עיין בזה בשו”ת שאילת אהרן מהג”ר אהרן פעלדר זצ”ל סימן י’

4. Spouses may not dance with each other at a wedding.

בשו”ת שאילת אהרן הנ”ל כתב, וז”ל: “ועכשיו נדון במה שטוענים אנשים ונשים שהם אינם רוקדים רק עם זווגם בזמן שהם מותרות להיות ביחד, ואף שלכאורה היא טענה יפה, אולם האמת הוא שגם זה אסור לפי הטעמים דלהלן. ראשית דבר, הלא כתוב ברמ”א (אה”ע ס’ כ”א ס”ה) וי”א דאין לנהוג אפילו עם אשתו בדברים של חיבה בפני אחרים, וממילא כ”ש וכ”ש כשמרקדים ומדקדקים בריקודים שעל ידי זה באים המסתכלים להתאוות באשתו ועוברים אף על הלאו של לא תחמוד אשת רעך (שמות כ’, י”ד) שודאי אסור לרקוד בפי אחרים. וע’ ט”ז בתחילת הסימן שם. שנית, כתוב בשו”ת זכרון יוסף (ס’ י”ז המובא בביאור הלכה ס’ של”ט) שנוסף למה שעוברים על דת ודין תורתנו הקדושה גם רעה גמלו לנפשם שעוברים על דת יהודית, וראה שו”ע (אה”ע ס’ קט”ו ס”ד). והנה, עוד מצאתי בשו”ת משנה הלכות (ח”ד ס’ ע”ב) ששאל על הפסוק (ירמי’ ל”א) אז תשמח בתולה במחול ובחורים וזקנים יחדיו, דלמה לא כתב הנביא אז ישמחו איש ואשתו ומסיק דמהאי פסוק נראה דכה”ג אסור לרקוד עם אשתו בפרהסיא, וראה בספר חסידים (ס’ קס”ח). ועוד בו שלישית, לפי מה שכתוב בכל בו (סוף ס’ ס”ו) דשמו חרם למנוע אנשים ונשים מלהיות במחול יחדיו ועיין ספר הצנע לכת (עמ’ 75 אות 87) שמציין כמה ראשונים ואחרונים מדורות שונים שגם כן תקנו חרמים נגד פרצה הזאת. והלום מצאתי בספר טל אמרתי על תורת מנהגי איסור (עמ’ ק”ב) שמצטט דברי הרד”קּ שכתב שהסכימו שלא ירקדו הנשואין עם הנשואות מפני שיש בזה נדנוד עבירה. מכל הנ”ל, פשוט וברור דלכל הפחות אסור לרקוד עם אשתו בפרהסיא, ואולי אף מעשה מגונה זו גם בכלל החרם. סיכום הדברים שלא לבד שאסור לרקוד עם אשה האסורה לו משום הבטה ונגיעה של חיבה ואיסורים אחרים, אלא אף אסור לרקוד עם אשתו בפרהסיא משום הנ”ל, וכן משום שעוברים על דת יהודית

5. Men are not allowed to watch the women dance. It is therefore imperative that a proper mechitzah be set up to obstruct the view of the woman dancing from the men. (Ben Ish Chai Shoftim 18)

6. The poskim rule that a man cannot dress up as a woman and a woman may not dress as a man during the dancing. Cross-dressing is forbidden and doing so at a wedding is no exception. (Mishnah Berurah 696:30)

If you have a question, comment, or an idea for an article please email me at avizakutinsky@gmail.com.

Writing Surnames In The Kesubah

(This should not be relied upon for practical halacha. When a question arises a Rabbi should be consulted.)

1. The names of the chosson and kallah are written in the Kesubah. If the names are omitted or written incorrectly, the Kesubah is invalid. (Nisuin K’Hilchosom page 345)

2. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l, citing the words of the Sefer Nachlas Shiva, maintained that when writing the names in the Kesubah, one must make sure to use the same level of scrutiny as one would when writing a Divorce document. For if the couple ever gets divorced they might end up using the Kesubah as the blueprint as to how to write and spell the names of the chosson and kallah. (Shalmei Simcha page 267)

3. Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l (Igros Moshe E.H. 178) discusses whether one should add the surnames to the names of the chosson and kallah in the Kesubah. He promotes the addition of surnames. He explains that since it is possible that multiple people in the city have the same name and their parents also have the same name, in order to specify who’s Kesubah it is we add the surnames. He writes that one should write the word “L’Mishpachas” (meaning family) after the father’s name. Thus if the chosson’s name is Moshe Goldman and his father’s name is Chaim, the following should be written: “Moshe Ben Chaim L’Mishpachas Goldman.” If one wrote “Moshe Ben Chaim Goldman”, the Kesubah is still valid.

Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l (Koveitz Beis Hillel 38) agreed with the ruling of Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l and he writes that that was his personal custom. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l would write the surname in parenthesis or brackets (Shalmei Simcha page 269). Harav Ovadia Yosef zt”l would write the surname. But he would not write the word “L’Mishpachas.” He would just write the surname following the father’s name. (Yalkut Yosef Nisuin page 78)

4. If the surname was not written, the Kesubah is still valid.

5. If the chosson is a kohen we write: “Moshe Ben Chaim Hakohen L’Mishpachas Goldman.”

6. Some have the custom to only write the surname the first time that the chosson and kallah’s names are mentioned in the Kesubah. Every other time that the chosson and kallah’s names are mentioned, the surnames are omitted. (See Hanisuin K’Hilchosom 11:147)

7. Many, however, have the custom not to write the surname in the Kesubah (see Yismach Lev page 62). Harav Yisroel Belsky shlit”a writes that the common custom is not to write the surnames of the chosson, kallah and witnesses in the Kesubah. And that even Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l, who endorsed the writing of surnames in his sefer Igros Moshe, practically did not write them, in order to adhere to the common custom. (Shulchan Halevi 27:14)

8. Those who do not have the custom of using surnames for the chosson and kallah will not do so for the witnesses. The question is according to those who do write the surname for the chosson and kallah, what is the procedure for the witnesses? Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l, who was a proponent of adding surnames in the Kesubah, writes that the witnesses should also sign their surnames. However, it is reported that Harav Shlomo Zalman Aurbach zt”l, who would add the surnames of the chosson and kallah in parenthesis, maintained that one need not do so for the witnesses.

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The Shushbinim (Part 2)

Who May Not Serve As The Shushbinim-

1. A couple that is divorced should not serve together as the shushbinim. (Sefer Mates Yado 132 and Sefer Yivakshu Mipihu page 528)

2. Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l rules that a divorced couple may serve as the shushbinim if the men are escorting the chosson and the women are escorting the kallah, since the divorced couple will not be escorting the chosson or kallah together (Yivakshu Mipihu page 526).

3. Harav Gavriel Zinner shlit”a writes that if ruling stringently will cause an argument, then one may allow for them to serve as the shushbinim. (Netai Gavriel Marriage 14:7)

4. Harav Moshe Feinstein zt”l (Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:106) and Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l (Yevakshu Mipihu page 536) both feel that if the chosson or kallah have a father who is a non-Jew he may not serve as a member of the shushbinim. Harav Moshe explains that if a non-Jewish man who lived with a Jewish woman is allowed to walk down the aisle, it may appear as if such a union is permitted.

5. According to Harav Moshe’s reasoning, it would seem that a convert may be escorted down the aisle by his non-Jewish parents, since we have no objection to two non-Jews being married. However, Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l rules that the parents of a convert should not serve as the Shushbinim. Rather, they should be given a different honor. For practical halacha, a rabbi should be consulted.

6. The poskim cite a custom that if a man or woman are currently in a second marriage (i.e. a parent and stepparent of the chosson or kallah), they should not serve as the shushbinim. (Shulchan Haezer 7:4:1, Ezer Mekodesh E.H. 68, Levushei Mordechai 22 and Yivakshu Mipihu page 530)

7. Harav Moshe Shternbuch shlit”a (Teshuvos V’Hanhagos 2:652) maintains that if the chosson or kallah were raised by their step-parent, the step-parent may escort him down the aisle. He adds that if preventing a step-parent from walking down the aisle will cause a fight, then one may rule leniently and allow it.

8. The Shulchan Haezer (ibid.) writes that if the chosson or kallah are a product of the second marriage, then the parents may serve as the shushbinim. The Rav of Debreczin zt”l agrees with the ruling of the Shulchan Haezer (Beer Moshe 3:184). This is also the custom of Vizhnitz Chassidim (Netai Gavriel ibid.). Other poskim, however, rule stringently (Netai Gavriel ibid. and Chelkas Yaakov cited in Beer Moshe ibid.).

9. Some poskim feel that a couple that is childless should not serve as the shushbinim (Shulchan Haezer ibid.).

10. The Rav of Debreczin zt”l explains that if the couple is young and still capable of having children, and they just have not been blessed yet, they may serve as the shushbinim. If however, the couple feels uneasy about serving as the shushbinim, then they should refrain from doing so.

11. Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l maintains that a childless couple may always serve as the shushbinim (Yivakshu Mipihu page 538). For normative halacha, a rabbi should be consulted.

12. The Shulchan Haezer and Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l write that although many people feel that a pregnant woman cannot escort the kallah down the aisle, this ruling is unfounded and it is actually permitted.

13. However, many poskim feel that if a pregnant woman were to serve as a member of the shushbinim, it may cause an ayin hara (evil eye) and therefore should be avoided. (see Nisuin K’Hilchosom page 440)

14. The Rav of Debreczin zt”l rules that there is only a concern of ayin hara once her pregnancy is visible to others. Before that point it would be permitted. This was also the view of the Rebbe of Munkatch zt”l (Haskama to Sefer Zocher Habris).

15. The custom of Chabad Chassidim (Sefer Haminhagim page 76) is that if the mother of either the chosson or kallah is pregnant, an additional married couple should be taken to circle the chosson under the chuppah.

16. Harav Gavriel Zinner shlit”a writes that if the mother of the chosson or kallah is pregnant and it will cause pain and strife if she does not escort her child down the aisle, then she may be allowed to do so. For normative halacha, a rabbi should be consulted.

The Shushbinim (Part 1)

Who Generally Serves As The Shushbinim-

1. The shushbinim, or attendants, are those who escort the chosson and kallah down the aisle. (Rama Y.D. 391:3, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 147:5, Tashbeitz Katan 465 and Mateh Moshe Hachnasas kallah)

2. A chosson and kallah have attendants serving them just as a king or queen would have. The most common custom is that the parents of the chosson and kallah serve as the shushbinim. (Levushei Mordechai 22, see also Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:106, Koveitz Hameor Teves 5725 and Mishnah Halachos 5:247)

3. If the chosson or kallah do not have parents, then the closest relatives should serve as the shushbinim. If they do not have relatives and were raised by adoptive or foster parents, then the adoptive or foster parents should serve as the shushbinim. (Hagahos Minhagei Worms vol. 2 page 32)

4. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l had a unique approach when it came to the shusbinim. By his eldest son’s wedding, he and his wife and the future in-laws served as the shushbinim. However, for the rest of the children he and his wife did not serve as the shushbinim. Rather, for the wedding of his second son, his eldest son and his wife served as the shushbinim. Each married child served as the shushbinim for the immediately younger sibling. This is an old custom of those living in Yerushalayim. (Shalmei Simcha) However, as noted above, the common custom is that the parents serve as the shushbinim.

5. Many have the custom that the father of the chosson and the father of the kallah escort the chosson down the aisle. The father of the chosson stands on the right side of the chosson and the father of the kallah on the left side of the chosson. The mother of the chosson and the mother of the kallah escort the kallah down the aisle. The mother of the kallah stands on the right side of the kallah and the mother of the chosson on the left side of the kallah. (see Nisuin K’Hilchosom page 439) The Sefer Shu”t Beis Avi (1:142) testifies that this was the custom in Poland, Hungary, and Galizcia. This is also the custom of Belz and Chabad Chassidim. Many of those in Yerushalayim also follow this custom (Mishnah Halachos 9:287).

6. Many Americans, especially from Lithuanian descent, have the custom that the parents of the chosson escort the chosson and the parents of the kallah escort the kallah. (a source for this custom can be found in hagahos Igra Dtzvi on Sifra Igra D’Pirka 67) This is also the custom of Stolin and Karlin Chassidim (Netai Gavriel Marriage page 108).

Although some have questioned the validity of this custom (see Shevet Halevi 3:187), many congregations have accepted this approach (see Yismach Lev page 74 and Beer Moshe 5:165).

7. As stated above, in Yerushalayim the custom is that the men escort the chosson, while the women escort the kallah. Therefore, argues Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l (yivakshu Mipihu page 524), if an American is marrying an Israeli and the wedding will take place in Yerushalayim, the wedding procession must adhere to the custom of Yerushalayim. For normative halacha, a rabbi must be consulted.

8. Customarily, the shushbinim link arms with the chosson and kallah as they walk down the aisle. Some poskim feel that if the chosson or kallah will be escorted by anyone other than their parents (such as step-parents), it is preferred for the men to escort the chosson and the women escort the kallah, so as to avoid any physical contact between the men and the women.

לדעת רוב הפוסקים דיש איסור של חיבוק ונישוק אצל בן מאומץ, וכמבואר באוצר הפוסקים ס’ כ”א, ובסופו מהאדמו”ר מליבאויטש זצ”ל. ועיין באגרות משה אה”ע ח”ד ס’ ס”ד שמשמע שמצדד להקל דהוי אינו דרך חיבה, אכן עדיין אין להקל, שהרי רוב פוסקים סוברים דאף חיבוק ונישוק אינו דרך חיבה הוי עדיין איסור דרבנן, וכמו שהארכתי בזה בספרי ומקרב בימין לענין נתינת יד לאשה. ועוד כל ההיתר שם הוא רק באופן שהבן נתגדל אצל האשה, אבל אם האשה נשא אביו כשבן הוא גדול, אין היתר כלל.

9. The custom is that the shushbinim are a married couple. If the mother is a widow, she and one of her sons may serve as the shushbinim.

Shana Rishonah (First Year Of Marriage)

Shana Rishonah-

1. The Chinuch (582) writes that during the first year of marriage (Shana Rishonah) the chosson should rejoice with his wife. He should not leave the city without her in order to fight in a war or for any other reason. The Chinuch concludes, “A chosson who leaves his kallah during the first year, even with her permission, has nullified a positive commandment. Yet, if he wishes to leave in order to fulfill a mitzvah or in order to rejoice with his friends for a few days, with the intention of returning, perhaps this is not nullifying a positive commandment. Some say that if the kallah gives permission he may leave.”

2. Many achronim forbid the chosson from leaving his wife during the shana rishonah, even if he is doing so for reasons of parnassah (see Binas Adam 129:37). Harav Ovadia Yosef zt”l rules stringently. However, if there is great need for him to leave or if he must leave for parnassah purposes, he may do so with his kallah’s permission (see Yalkut Yosef Nisuin page 237).

3. The Minchas Chinuch notes that this ruling of the Chinuch cannot be found in the works of other rishonim. (see also Chasam Sofer E.H. 2:155) Based on this assumption, some poskim did permit the chosson to leave during the first year, especially if the kallah grants him permission (see Radvaz 1:238 and Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 149:13). However, it seems that the common custom is to rule stringently.

4. The Chasam Sofer maintains that even the Chinuch would permit the chosson to leave in order to learn Torah.

5. The custom among Belz Chassidim is that the chosson does not serve as a chazzan during the shana rishonah. (Nisuin Kesidram 316)

6. Many do not wear a kittel during the shana rishonah (see Maharam Shick 28 and Ketzei Hamateh 619:11). The custom of Square Chassidim is not to wear the kittel on Pesach during the shana rishonah. The custom of Chabad Chassidim is not to wear the kittel on Yom Kippur during the shana rishonah. A similar ruling is expressed by Harav Yosef Greenwald zt”l of Pupa and Harav Yekutiel Yehuda Halberstam zt”l of Sanz Kloisenberg.

7. Others maintain that it is preferred to wear the kittel during the shana rishonah. Vizhnitz, Nadvorna, Sanzer, and Munkatch Chassidim wear the kittel during the shana rishonah.

Circling The Chosson Under The Chuppah

(This should not be relied upon for practical halacha. When a question arises a Rabbi should be consulted.)

1. The common custom amongst ashkenazim is that the kallah and her shushbinim (those who escort her down the aisle) circle the chosson, clockwise, under the chuppah.

2. Because the chosson has the status of a king, the kallah and her attendants (her mother and mother-in-law) walk around the chosson, just as troops march around the king.(see Taamei Haminhagim 961)
3. The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (147:5) writes that they circle the chosson seven times. Harav Aryeh Kaplan zt”l explains that the seven circuits allude to the seven shepherds of Israel (Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, Moshe, Aharon, Yosef and Dovid) and the seven prophetesses (Sarah, Miriam, Devorah, Chanah, Avigayil, Chuldah and Esther). Some say that they allude to the three Patriarchs and four Matriarchs. It is the couple’s hope that in the merit of all these great ancestors, their marriage will be blessed with success.

4. Others have the custom to circle the chosson three times (Shulchan Haezer 7:4). Why three circuits are made is a matter of conjecture. The number three occurs several times in the subject of marriage, the Bible mentions betrothal (ki yikach) three times, a man may legally betroth a woman in one of three ways, and his obligations to his wife are subsumed under three general biblical requirements of food, clothing, and conjugal relations.

5. The custom of Chabad Chassidim is that the kallah and both pairs of shushbinim (male and female) all walk around the chosson. (Sefer Haminhagim page 67)

6. Sefardim do not have the custom of circling the chosson (Shulchan Haezer ibid.).

7. While the kallah is circling the chosson, the cantor chants “mi ben siach shoshan chochim ahavas kallah misos dodim hu yivarech es hechosson ves hakallah.” (May the one who speaks of the rose of thorns, the affection of the kallah, the joy of the beloved, may He bless the chosson and the kallah). (Shaar Hakollel)

Others, such as Square Chassidim, do not recite this poem (Netai Gavriel on Nisuin).

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Untying Knots And Emptying Pockets

(This should not be relied upon for practical halacha. When a question arises a Rabbi should be consulted.)

1. Some have the custom that before the chuppah we untie any knots that are on the clothing of the chosson and kallah (Sefer Matamim Chosson V’Kallah 78 and Shulchan Haezer vol. 2 page 31). This is also the custom of Chabad Chassidim (Sefer Haminhagim page 76).
2. The custom of Chabad Chassidim is for the chosson to untie shoelaces as well (Shaarei Halacha Uminhag Even Haezer 37), while the opinion of the Sanz-Klausenberger Rebbe, Harav Yekusiel Yehuda Halberstam zt”l, is that one need not untie the shoelaces (see Netai Gavriel Nisuin page 117).

3. Most ashkenazic and Lithuanian communities never accepted this custom of untying knots (see Hanisuin Khilchosom page 442).

4. Some, including Chabad Chassidim, have the custom that before the chuppah the chosson and kallah remove their jewelry, as well as anything that may be in their pockets.

This custom serves as an additional reminder to the couple of their mortality because one cannot take any objects or jewelry with him to the next world (Shulchan Haezer vol. 2 page 137. For a different reason for this custom see Mesorah vol. 8 page 51 from Harav Soloveitchick zt”l).

5. Many, however, do not have this custom (Hanisuin K’Hilchosom ibid.).

6. Some think that giving away one’s personal belongings, such as jewelry, to a friend before going to the chuppah is some sort of segula. In reality, there is no such segula (pashut- see also Hallachically Speaking vol. 4 issue 12).

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Placing Ashes On The Chosson’s Head

(This should not be relied upon for practical halacha. When a question arises a Rabbi should be consulted.)

1, The Shulchan Aruch (Even Haezer 65:3, the source is a Gemara Baba Basra 60b) writes that we must place ashes on the chosson’s head as a sign of mourning over the destruction of the Temple. The ashes are placed on the same area of the head that the chosson wears his tefillin.
2. The Kaf Hachaim (Orach Chaim 660) notes that the custom in his area was not to place ashes on the chosson’s head (see also Orchos Chaim Tisha B’Av 13).

Harav Ben Tzion Abba Shaul zt”l (Ohr Letzion vol. 3 page 277) also notes that many sefardim do not place ashes on the head of the chosson and wonders how they can disregard this custom, which has sources in the Gemara and the Shulchan Aruch. He therefore rules that even sefardim should participate in this custom.

Harav Ovadia Yosef zt”l (cited in Yalkut Yosef Sovea Smachos page 86), however, rules that sefardim should continue in their practice of not placing ashes on the chosson’s head.

3. The custom of Square Chassidim is also not to place ashes on the chosson’s head (Sefer Netai Gavriel Nisuin page 117).

4. The Taz (Orach Chaim 660:4) writes that some have the custom that as the ashes are being placed on the chosson’s head, the rabbi recites the verse “Im eshkocheich Yerushalayim etc.” The chosson then repeats the verse.

5. The overwhelming majority of poskim maintain that the ashes should be placed before the chosson enters the chuppah. However, Harav Yosef Dov Soloveitchick zt”l (Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas Rabbeinu Yitzchak Elchonon) would only place the ashes on the chosson after the birchas nisuin were recited under the chuppah. Before the chuppah ceremony the chosson is not yet considered a “chosson” in Jewish law, and there is not yet a requirement of ashes. After the chuppah ceremony he is considered a “chosson” and the ashes are then required (Journal Mesorah vol. 8 page 52). It seems that Harav Soloveitchick zt”l shared the same view of his uncle, the great Brisker Rav. As the Sefer Yismach Lev (page 76) reports, the Brisker Rav would only place the ashes after the birchas nisuin under the chuppah, for the very reason attributed to Harav Soloveitchick.

6. The Aruch Hashulchan (Even Haezer 65:4) feels that the ashes are removed immediately after their placement. However, the Shulchan Haezer (7:1:11) writes that the custom in his town was to leave the ashes on the chosson’s head. A similar view is expressed by Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l (Shalmei Simcha page 169 – ועיין שם דבר חדש בדף קס”ט: “ורבינו היה מורה ליתן את האפר על ראש החתן כשהוא עטוף בנייר, וזאת משום כבודו של החתן, וכשסידר את הקידושין היה הוא עצמו מניח את האפר עטוף בנייר על ראש החתן -).

7. Harav Auerbach zt”l adds that if they forgot to place the ashes before the chuppah they may do so after the chuppah.

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